Duo/Heero. NC-17. ~1600 words. Heero POV. Noncon.
Laying in the dark at night, you wonder why you do the things you do.
I lie in my bed, feigning sleep, hoping, perhaps, that he would not come if he thought I was asleep. It hadn’t worked before. A shiver passes over my skin, and I bury my head into the pillow, smothering my face. I’m naked under the thin sheets. Why? I’m waiting. I know he will come, he always does. So, I will wait. Every night, I wait. I feel a tightness in my chest. It’s fear, I taste it in my mouth. Fear that he will come, fear that he won’t. It makes no sense.
something ugly this way comes, through my fingers sliding inside
I hear a door creak. A thin spear of light spreads like a disease across the floor, slow and inevitable. My eyes clench shut…too tightly, he’ll know I’m awake. My breathing is too heavy, too irregular. My ears strain, trying to hear him walk across the floor. I can’t. He’s too quiet, ghosting through the room as if he is a dream.
all these blessings, all these burns/I’m godless underneath your cover
Not a dream, but a dark nightmare. But here I am, waiting for that nightmare to claim me, make me his. Finally a sound. The bed groans in protest as he kneels above me. A quiet laugh reaches my ears. He knows I was waiting for him, knows I’m naked under the sheets. I feel his hand touch me. I tremble, unable to stop myself. The only sound now is my own haggard breathing. He makes no sound, quiet, like death. I feel a bitter laugh threaten to escape my throat. Like death.
search for pleasure, search for pain/in this world now, I am undying
I feel his hand reach underneath me, searching. He finds me hard and ready. I can feel the smile spread over his face, feel it burn into my skin. My skin erupts into flames under that gaze, a fire that threatens to consume me. I keep my head in the pillow, afraid to face the laughing devil. The flames lick at my mind. His hand grips me. I feel pain clouded by pleasure. He lifts me, forcing my hips up. I don’t resist. Somewhere, a voice echoes in my head, telling me that I could fight. I ignore it. Instead, I let him lift me, and when he lets go, I bring my knees and arms under me for support. I spread my knees far apart for him. Dully, I wonder why.
I unfurl my flag, my nation helpless
He tears the sheet aside. Cool air strikes my fevered skin. I shiver. A hand grips my ass, biting into my skin. I hear nothing but my ragged breaths resonating in my head. I know what will happen. Like a fitful river turning in upon itself, this scenario repeats itself day after day. Yet, I still wait, unresisting. Time passes, but nothing happens. My body begins to tremor. Why does he wait? I almost turn to look, but my nerve fails. I can’t face him. I know what I will see. A face hidden in shadow. A cruel smile. Empty eyes. Or worse, his eyes will not be blank, empty of emotion. Once, when I faced him, I saw what lay behind those eyes. A glimpse of something dark, something created from black dreams, born of terror, thriving on fear. People say eyes are the windows to the soul.
black, black heart
I don’t believe in souls anymore. At least not in the perfect entity that’s supposed to be trapped in a person’s body. My soul would have long since abandoned me, left me in a lifeless limbo. I don’t think he has a soul.
why would you offer more
He’s still touching me. So much can be offered in a simple touch…so much can be taken away. But he doesn’t offer, doesn’t bargain. He doesn’t care for comfort.
why would you make it easier on me, to satisfy
He will take. Take until he satisfies his hunger. The burning spreads to my eyes. Unshed tears glisten in the dark. They won’t fall. I fight them, fight them as if they were my enemy, not the demon who perched above me.
I’m on fire, I’m rotting to the core
A sharp pain, a searing fire, spreads through me then. Still, he makes no sound, his sadistic laughter long since faded. I feel him inside me, and I whimper. The sound disgusts me. I hate myself for making it. Hate myself for being weak. But I won’t fight. I won’t fight his sex, won’t fight his pain. It’s as sharp as glass and just as clear.
all your sex and your diamonds
This world is different. In the silent night, I leave the world and enter one of my own creation. Neither world is comforting, neither one is right. I can’t see my demons in the darkness or in the light. He’s not moving. The pain is no longer sharp, it’s a dull throbbing. I turn to look at him over my shoulder, and instantly regret it. He’s staring at me, his eyes boring into mine. They are not empty. They seethe. My mind tumbles down into their darkness.
as I begin to lose my grip on these realities you’re sending
I hurriedly look away. Too late. I’ve seen into his eyes. My mind balks from what is shown in them. He draws back then, almost completely emptying me. For a split second I think that, maybe, he will leave. I don’t want him to leave. I hope he does. Suddenly my head is jerked back as he tangles steel fingers in my hair. The hope dies. Perhaps we do have souls, and that’s why we experience useless hope. I wish I could banish mine.
taste your mind and taste your sex/I’m naked underneath your cover
He speaks then. I’m surprised. Of all the times he’s come to me, he has never spoken. No words were ever exchanged between us. Now, his words cover me, suffocating me, stealing my breath like a thief in the night. I hear them dully in my head. Harsh words. I taste his thoughts. They are like his eyes…dark. He’s telling me to ask for it. Ask him to fuck me. To hurt me. But I’m naked, I have no will to fight. So I ask. No, I beg. I beg the demon to fuck me. My voice is not my own. I scream at him, telling him to fuck me raw, to rip me up inside. It pleases him. I can tell.
covers lie, and we will bend and borrow with the coming sign
He slams into me then, making me cry out. I bite my lip in shame. He rams into me again. He wants me to scream. Again and again he pounds into me, tearing me up inside. The pain washes over me. My head clears. Never before has my mind been lucid when he has taken me. But it passes. I scramble after it, desperate to understand. It eludes me, and I am left alone. No, not alone. He is sill with me, still in me. I reach out to him. Not with my hands, but my mind. My soul. It burns. Burns me and leaves me wanting more. Pain mixes with pleasure. They join and become inseparable. They are one and the same. I scream at him. He pulls my head back, tearing at my hair. He drives himself into me, slamming me into the bed. He moves faster, his thrusts becoming frantic. Maybe he will lose control and kill me. Death would be release. Freedom.
the tide will take/the sea will rise/and time will rape
Once. Twice. He brutally slams into me a last time. I feel him pour into me, seeping over my torn flesh. It adds another burn to my already tortured body. I come on the white sheets, staining them. They’re ruined. He doesn’t care. I’m not sure if I do. He withdraws. I collapse onto the bed, tangling the stained sheets around my battered body and shattered soul.
black, black heart
I face him then, clutching the sheets. He moves from the bed to stand beside it. I fear him. And I fear loosing him. I curse myself. Curse my weak body, my weak mind. He hears me. He laughs again. He says my name. It falls on deaf ears. I’m not listening. He repeats it. I still don’t answer. But I look him in the eyes. The violence hidden in them. The promises. I know he will come back again. He sees me looking at him. His eyes are like diamonds in the night. Glistening and unfeeling. Hard. I’m drowning in their hardness.
all your sex and your diamonds
“Goodnight, Heero…dream of me.” His voice reaches me through the darkness. And I will. I will dream of him. He leaves me then, with the echoes of his voice and the pain of his touch. I was wrong. Death is not release, it is not freedom. It’s a beginning. Of a new pain.
black, black heart
I watch his retreating back. I will wait for Death to return to me. He always does. I will wait, naked under Death’s covers, just as I have always waited and just as I always will. I close my eyes. In the darkness behind them, I see violet diamonds boring a hole through my soul.
Death is not a reprieve when it is from his embrace you flee.